Try this at home…
Emotional Breakdown – The other day I was at a Christmas party and had the opportunity to speak to several parents about their children. Many of the parents expressed their frustration at how misbehaved their children could get. One parent was so upset that he got quite emotional and shared several experiences with his 5 year old that he admitted was over-whelming for him.
He explained how he felt that he was incapable of communicating with his children and that he could not control his anger.
Below are a couple of suggestions that I shared that would be helpful for parents intervening with their children during a crisis or emotional upset or breakdown.
1. Procede with CAUTION. Emotional Safety is first, last and always… for both the parent AND the child.
Because of how quickly a crisis and an emotionally charged situation can escalate, parents must employ extreme caution as they move forward toward a peaceful resolution: keep your emotional distance, listen gather as much as necessary to help your child. Take your time and observe your child’s deamnor, actions and listen to what they are saying. Be an active listner: Listen with all your senses, Empathize, Ask for Clarification, Paraphrase, Summarize.
2. Maintain a CALM presence. You must be calm and remain calm to be successful. Your goal is to resolve the situation, not escalate it by pumping up your child’s adrenalin.
Remember that your child’s ability to cope has been exceeded. Do not expect them to be thinking clearly or rationally. Their ability to problem solve is severly impaired.
Speak evenly, and slowly. You must model calmness. Calm actions will speak louder than words.
3. Maintain COURTESY. Be courteous and respectful, but firm. Speak clearly and concisely. Treat your child as you would want to be treated if you were in their place.
The following 8-Step process is the ultimate courtesy a parent can offer:
Start with
(1) Greeting, e.g., “hey buddy” “hey sweetie” or another term of endearmeant your child is accostumed to. Next, without pausing,
(2) Remind your child that you are their Mom or Dad and the you love them, e.g., “Now you know I’m your Dad and I love you very much…” Continue by
(3) Stating the Reason for your chat with them, e.g., “The reason why I’m talking to you now is because…” and then
(4) Ask if there is a justified reason for their actions; pause and listen to what your child says. DON’T INTERUPT THEM and let them finish. Children who are upset will offer valuable information, but you have to listen. The next step…
(5) Is to reaffirm to your child who they are and how much they are loved. Continue to ask questions and listen to what your child is saying. Use paraphrasing to ensure you have understood what they have told you. Once you have acquired sufficient information, you can
(7) State your Decision and
(8) End the conversation; summarize agreements, follow through with appropriate actions, and then thank them for their understanding and cooperation.
If this 8-Step approach does not work, you might need a more tactical approach known as the 5-Step Hard Style. (message me in the comments section for more)
4. CREATE and continue positive rapport. Let your child vent. Use “active listening”. Be patient. Don’t rush them. Understand the difference between reasonable resistance and severe resistance.
Reflect empathy. Try to create a verbal means to enforce your role as a helper. Always consider what is in your child’s best interest. Always project a “how can I help” attitude.
5. CLOSE the gap. Respect your child’s personal space. Be in their space but not in their face. If you invade their personal space, effective communication will diminish. Your child will become less receptive to you and your efforts. Communication is a trial and error situation. If what you are doing or saying is not working, change your approach. Less stress equals better communication and, as the parent, you have the tactical advantage.
6. CONSIDER all options. Not all infractions require “time outs” or “spankings”.
Remember, as you teach your child lessons that will improve the quality of their life, your number one concern is the physical and emotionally safety and well-being of your child.
Keep in mind that we are all involved in emotional upsets and crisis from time to time. Due to the daily challenges and stresses in all cultures, we could consider that crisis is commonplace everyone. We must be creative and empathetic in helping our children when they are in crisis.
I am grateful to all the parents, students and educators that I have come to know over the last couple of decades. If it were not for you, I would not be the teacher that I am today.
