WARNING! Humorous and Sarcastic Article on Self-Defense from a Street Wise-A** New Yorker
This article is meant to be a humorous and sarcastic view of the importance of self-defense, especially for women, and how to easily become a victim of crime.
Learn the lessons listed below – hint – effective self-defense is the opposite of what you are about to read. Better yet, how many of these things do you find yourself doing? Here are the 10 simple and easy ways to become a victim of crime time and time again.
1. Ignore Your Surroundings
Don’t pay attention to your environment. Just focus on where you are going or better yet, get lost in your thoughts. Don’t look around you to see if there are any potential problems. Don’t worry about strangers hanging around your car, they’re probably just admiring your choice of vehicles. Go ahead and talk on your cell while you’re walking to your car or strolling along on the street. Keep your head down and God forbid you make eye contact.
2. Be a EASY Target
Act in a way that says “Pick me, Pick me” to any criminal hanging around. First, be oblivious to everything around see – see #1. Second, act scared. Third, don’t make eye contact and slouch. Fourth, don’t speak up or look at anyone.
3. Don’t Have a Plan
Be a free spirit and spontaneous. Who needs to be prepared? You know that if you are confronted, you will naturally react properly without needing to plan an escape or rehearse a game plan. Don’t scan for exits wherever you are. When you’re home, don’t have an escape plan with your family.
4. Ignore Your Gut Feelings and Instincts
We’re not Neanderthals, why rely on instincts? We are so much more sophisticated, aren’t we? Instincts are for animals. Those funny feelings (intuition) we have are really just reaction to spicy food, right? Not some intrinsic early warning system hardwired into our DNA. Ignore your feelings that the group of jerks hanging across the street could be trouble or that your “date” is overly friendly. Without hard evidence, you’re just being irrational and over emotional.
5. Always Comply with a Criminal
We all know that when some jerk is mugging you or trying to rape you and tells you that he won’t hurt you, he really means it. Because, well, criminals get to their esteemed positions by always telling the truth and are really only looking out for your best interests.
6. Give Up
Why bother learning self-defense? It just means that you might have to resist or find a way to escape; and that’s just so yesterday. After all, karma has brought you face to face with this situation and there is nothing you can do to get out of it. We all know that by resisting or trying to escape, we are just going to make the criminal more angry and we don’t want that, do we? Be a nice, polite and respectful victim and the confrontation will pass nicely.
7. Focus on Complex Techniques
To be really effective you need years and years and years of martial arts training based on fine motor skills. The simple moves based on gross motor skills are for wimps and just don’t look as cool as Jet Li. You really want to show off that great spinning heel kick so that the criminal idiot really knows who he is dealing with.
8. Focus on Not Getting Hurt
Let’s not ruin that manicure. Getting hurt is uncool. We don’t want to get a scratch, bruise, broken bone, or a cut trying to escape. In fact, you probably would rather be found dead, intact, and pretty than alive and injured. You’ll look better in a coffin and the manicure will still be intact.
9. Rely on a Lethal Weapon
We all know that criminals are terrified of guns and knives. We also know that you will always carry a gun or knife in that purse that has everything else in it and are ready to use them. Not to mention that the honorable criminal will give you fair warning at 21 feet so that you can pull your gun and take two shots (since 21 feet is the distance it takes for someone to reach you before you can pull out a gun and fire 2 rounds). That would be the most fair and honorable thing to do.
10. Wait to Be Attacked Before Responding
Having been properly trained in the rules of etiquette, you are exceedingly polite and considerate to all of those around you. So you will not say or do anything until someone has already attacked you. After all, you don’t want to be seen as rude or be embarrased by yelling “back off!”, “no!”, “what do you want?!”, “I don’t want any trouble.” Your politeness will protect you from bad things happening to you.
To learn ways not to become a victim, visit my Common Sense Self-Defense website and find out the dates and times of my next free self-defense seminar.
